“I couldn’t tell you that i love you or even that i have a crush on you, because if i did and you didn’t… now i did and i regret it every day”
I think i fell for someone, someone whom i probably should never ever have fallen for:
Life works in funny ways, we started out as strangers playing volleyball together, then we became acquaintances through random interactions, and then friends as the time went by, to good friends from making fun of her with another guy, and finally close friends after sharing our personal problems and ambitions with one another.
When i found out that i had a crush on her, i was disgusted by myself, i wished it wasn’t true and i hated myself for it, so so much. It felt like i had betrayed her trust, i didn’t know why i felt that way, but it did. And i did everything i could to force myself to get over it. This might sound stupid, but i kept trying to match make her with other people whom i felt were wonderful for her, and i failed miserably.
There was always an inexplicable sense of contentment when i was around her. Like the world around me seemed to move slower and a peaceful vibe just envelops the me. I still remember the exact moment where she made me feel happier than i have ever felt before, even if she didn’t know it. It was when i went to find her to return home together on 14022019, i didn’t know exactly where she was because she was always engrossed with her studying and i didn’t want to disturb her, so i decided to walk the block to try my luck finding her. Luckily it didn’t take long at all, i saw her from a distance, sitting alone facing the wall, wearing her usual red shirt, her glasses slightly ajar, a really cute but serious expression hung on her face as she stared intently at her math homework. Not wanting to give her unnecessary pressure, i sat down a few tables behind her and proceeded to read my book. A text came from her asking my whereabouts, which i promptly replied that she shouldn’t have to worry and to just continue studying. A few minutes later, i looked up to see how she was doing and coincidentally, she turned back and saw me and she smiled. It was at that very moment, that i realized, that i fell in love with her.
I really wish that my life could be paused for all eternity at that exact moment, because from then on, everything seemed to take a turn for the worst. She started avoiding me and being uncomfortable around me, and when i probed, i always got lackluster replies. The subsequent sequence of events could be summed up as such: She feels uncomfortable, i get more concerned, she gets more uncomfortable, i get even more concerned, she gets even more uncomfortable and the cycle continues.
It’s all gone now. No more conversations. No more good morning or good night texts. No more let me know when you reach home. No more going to school together. No more talking and making fun of one another. No more heart to heart talks. No more showing concern for her in any way. Now every thing that i do, just makes her feel uncomfortable. And knowing that when i wake up every day, simply feels so unbearable, like my heart is about to explode but there’s not a damn thing i can do about it.
I never was a confident person, so i never wanted to pursue her like ordinary people did, I am someone who couldn’t finish junior college so i had to transfer to a polytechnic instead and still not do well. Someone who is neither smart nor good-looking, neither successful nor useful. It was laughable, that someone like me, who has absolutely nothing in life, should ever fall for someone so beautiful on the inside and outside like her. I just hoped that, i could stay by her side, support her, bring a little joy to her life however i can, and be around her, just a little bit longer, as long as possible, until she meets someone that she loves and makes life perfect for her.
But it really is gone now. And there’s nothing i can do to make things right again.
There is probably nothing i regret more,
at this point of time in life,
than ever falling for her.