Day 5

My Love

“I couldn’t tell you that i love you or even that i have a crush on you, because if i did and you didn’t… now i did and i regret it every day”

– Me

I think i fell for someone, someone whom i probably should never ever have fallen for:

Life works in funny ways, we started out as strangers playing volleyball together, then we became acquaintances through random interactions, and then friends as the time went by, to good friends from making fun of her with another guy, and finally close friends after sharing our personal problems and ambitions with one another.

When i found out that i had a crush on her, i was disgusted by myself, i wished it wasn’t true and i hated myself for it, so so much. It felt like i had betrayed her trust, i didn’t know why i felt that way, but it did. And i did everything i could to force myself to get over it. This might sound stupid, but i kept trying to match make her with other people whom i felt were wonderful for her, and i failed miserably.

There was always an inexplicable sense of contentment when i was around her. Like the world around me seemed to move slower and a peaceful vibe just envelops the me. I still remember the exact moment where she made me feel happier than i have ever felt before, even if she didn’t know it. It was when i went to find her to return home together on 14022019, i didn’t know exactly where she was because she was always engrossed with her studying and i didn’t want to disturb her, so i decided to walk the block to try my luck finding her. Luckily it didn’t take long at all, i saw her from a distance, sitting alone facing the wall, wearing her usual red shirt, her glasses slightly ajar, a really cute but serious expression hung on her face as she stared intently at her math homework. Not wanting to give her unnecessary pressure, i sat down a few tables behind her and proceeded to read my book. A text came from her asking my whereabouts, which i promptly replied that she shouldn’t have to worry and to just continue studying. A few minutes later, i looked up to see how she was doing and coincidentally, she turned back and saw me and she smiled. It was at that very moment, that i realized, that i fell in love with her.

I really wish that my life could be paused for all eternity at that exact moment, because from then on, everything seemed to take a turn for the worst. She started avoiding me and being uncomfortable around me, and when i probed, i always got lackluster replies. The subsequent sequence of events could be summed up as such: She feels uncomfortable, i get more concerned, she gets more uncomfortable, i get even more concerned, she gets even more uncomfortable and the cycle continues.

It’s all gone now. No more conversations. No more good morning or good night texts. No more let me know when you reach home. No more going to school together. No more talking and making fun of one another. No more heart to heart talks. No more showing concern for her in any way. Now every thing that i do, just makes her feel uncomfortable. And knowing that when i wake up every day, simply feels so unbearable, like my heart is about to explode but there’s not a damn thing i can do about it.

I never was a confident person, so i never wanted to pursue her like ordinary people did, I am someone who couldn’t finish junior college so i had to transfer to a polytechnic instead and still not do well. Someone who is neither smart nor good-looking, neither successful nor useful. It was laughable, that someone like me, who has absolutely nothing in life, should ever fall for someone so beautiful on the inside and outside like her. I just hoped that, i could stay by her side, support her, bring a little joy to her life however i can, and be around her, just a little bit longer, as long as possible, until she meets someone that she loves and makes life perfect for her.

But it really is gone now. And there’s nothing i can do to make things right again.

There is probably nothing i regret more,

at this point of time in life,

than ever falling for her.

 

Day 4

The Rose

“The time you spent on your Rose, is what makes it so important”

“To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you … . But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; … because it is she that I have listened to when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.”

– Antoine de Saint-Exupery

This is an extract and quote from The Little Prince, and probably my favorite saying of all time. To put things simply, the degree of importance of something is dictated by the amount of time you have invested in it.

I found my Rose.

I found a person, who stands out in a sea of people, even though shes only 5 feet tall.

I found a person, whose voice is sweeter than any song, i could listen to her talk all day and feel nothing but joy.

I found a person, whose mood changes directly affects mine, if she’s happy, i am doubly happy, and if shes sad, i am doubly sad.

I found a person, who makes my heart skip a beat, just by looking at her.

There are just so many more things, too many~ I could go on for days and days~

I’ve been asked before, “What makes her so different from every other girl, like if there was someone who are able to do the things that she does but better, someone who is prettier, someone who is kinder, someone who is smarter, someone who understands you better and so on, basically someone better for me. What would i do?

I couldn’t think of an answer at first, not because i wasn’t confident of how i feel, but because the thought was so ridiculous, it hadn’t ever crossed my mind before~ Well, it really is hard to say at this point, the world is comprised of too many unknowns, and anything is possible and at the same time, equally impossible. But the time i have spent on her in the past, the time i am spending on her now and the time that i will spend on her in the future, is what makes her so different. And this is probably my best objective answer to the question.

I found the one person that i wish to invest all my remaining time in this world.

 

But life isn’t a fairy tale, and the Rose in the story, doesn’t belong to me.

 

Day 3

The Truth

“You can spend an eternity showing and explaining to someone how important he or she is to you, but if you mean nothing to them, they will never believe you”

I have always thought that, if i told people the truth, they would believe me, if i told people the truth, they would understand me, if i told people the truth, they would trust me, if i told people the truth, they would do the same. But… I could not be more wrong.

The sad truth is, and forever will be, that people will only see and understand the truth as their upbringing, environment, personal values and experiences allow. Just as how people perceive colors differently, everyone perceives the truth differently.

This is okay, it really is. I completely understand and am aware of this, and because i am aware of it, i will always give my utmost to make sure that the words that i say and promises that i make are backed by facts and actions. What breaks my heart, when my actions are seen as superfluous and my words, taken as lies.

A friend told me this recently. “To the wrong people, i will never be enough, but to the right people, i will always be enough”. Even though i understand what he was trying to tell me, i still cannot help but feel awfully dejected when the people that are important to me, even if they are not the right people, doubt me.

 

Day 2

A trusted friend of mine shared with me advice that her teacher gave her on writing, I can’t remember the advice word for word, but the gist of it is something like: “If you wish for your writing skills to not deteriorate, write 500 words a day, it can be anything, as long as you do, it’s fine”.

So here i am.

This is where i shall practice my writing and at the same time, pen down my thoughts and feelings about anything and everything, like a diary. And like a diary, I do hope that if someone i know ever reads this and finds out that it’s me, please do not call me out. I would really appreciate it.